I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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