totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
