i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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