It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
