he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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