she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Floor bacon is actually really good
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
