The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
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