Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
