If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
