filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
