so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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