You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
