you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
