dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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