i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
