Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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