Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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