you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
