how can u be prego again
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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