Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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