I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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