I want to make a zoo with you.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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