Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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