Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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