Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Randomize
