why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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