apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
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