I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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