Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I'm passing your future prison.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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