Got a toothbrush?
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
