i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Randomize
