Nicole vs. Life
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
