So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
