Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
what ever happened to devon sawa?
fuck...who knows?
i'm really worried about him.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
