I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
