I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
