his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
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