he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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