I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
