i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
