I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
