My sheets look like a crime scene.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize
