I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
