I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
