I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
