In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
