Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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