there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
