i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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