She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
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